Home To Oneself
I was in a group setting yesterday when the facilitator asked us a fairly benign and simple question, “How are you doing?”
“Fine!” My brain instinctually surged to throw out a response and feign a smile — but my voice wouldn’t comply.
Other individuals in the group rushed to raise their hands and launched into detailed accounts of how they were feeling. I was immediately stunned with equal parts horror and fascination as I listen to one account after another.
Who were these people, so in touch with how they felt, so clear about their dilemmas, and so articulate and confident to share them — with strangers, no less!
Finally, the room ran out and it was my turn,
“I don’t feel that my feelings matter.” — I blurted out hoarsely. Then spilled out some of the truest and clearest personal insights I‘ve ever realized.
“I don’t believe my voice, my story, my problems, or how I’m feeling are valid or important enough to take up your time. I feel guilt — shame, almost for being here, for occupying this space when perhaps someone more in need could have had my spot.
I’m afraid I don’t have anything to offer you which will be of value to anyone and I’m wasting your time and energy.”
The shock on my face from hearing my own subconscious speak out loud was evident for all.
Flushed, I rushed to finish, “I guess I am here to work on integrating the belief that how I feel matters, too.”
And then something happened that baffled me for the rest of the day, people clapped.
Why am I telling you this ridiculously raw, personal story? Because at least in that group, and certainly in my experience coaching others, that feeling is a common thread that weaves among many souls.
Bigger than simply, “You are not alone”, I feel now also, “You are not disconnected”, although it may feel like we are, often more and more.
Disconnected from each other, from our family and friends; disconnected from our environment and nature; disconnected from our lives, our work, and even disconnected from ourselves.
But we are not.
The world has much to offer to keep us distracted, but for all its attempts, it cannot disconnect us.
The truth you know is there and sometimes it's ugly and painful, so it's no wonder we want to hide from it from time to time, and that’s okay sometimes.
But the knowing is always with us. There’s no amount of running, hiding, fighting, or self-deluding that will fully disconnect us from knowing what we know and feeling what we feel.
When you’re ready, come on back and connect. Now is as good a time as any.
